#6 - Embracing Hurt
#6 - Embracing hurt
This article discusses:
Facing pain and discomfort
Allowing vulnerability
Learning from pain
“So don’t be frightened, dear friend,
If a sadness confronts you larger than any
You have ever known,
Casting its shadow over all you do.
You must think that something
Is happening within you,
And remember that life has not forgotten you;
It holds you in its hands
And will not let you fall.
Why would you want to exclude from your life
Any uneasiness, any pain, any depression,
Since you don’t know what work
They are accomplishing within you?” Rilke (1903)
Dear friends,
Here I am again. Writing about discomfort and how to embrace it. But I mean it, so deeply and truly. The concept of embracing discomfort is one of the most important knowledge I encounter in the Bachelor in Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Another great way to summarise the idea has been stated by one of my lecturers “If there is no discomfort, there is no growth.” Read it again, slower this time… “If there is no discomfort, there is no growth.”
Let it sink in and let me know what you think.
In this article, I want to quickly differentiate pain from discomfort. Two terms that we often wrongly confound. Discomfort could be defined as a mild pain, an uneasy sensation or experience that causes some hardship. However, even though there might be some pain in discomfort, pain seems to be heavier, deeper, more present. Pain could be a higher level of discomfort causing some hurt, damage or unpleasant feelings. Pain and discomfort might be intertwined. It is indeed easy to mix them up.
I don’t know if that can help, but on a somatic note, having an itchy piece of skin is uncomfortable; while suffering from a cut is painful. Does that make sense? However, as everyone is different and experiences life differently, we might have different experiences and sensations of what we consider to be uncomfortable and painful.
In psychotherapy, we tend to think that discomfort facilitates growth and change. As it is not an overnight process, it seems important to allow time and not rushing the process of healing.
As a teenager, I used to avoid any “hard-to-have” or “uncomfortable” or “painful” feelings such as sadness, hurt, pain, fear, and so on. I wanted to “be happy” you know! I was doing more harm than good to my body and loves ones. I internalise all these “negative” feelings without letting them be and express themselves a little. Consequently, I used to be so angry at the world, myself included. This anger and extreme rage didn’t do good. I was eating my feelings and was self-harming often.
Years later, I now understand that having feelings and feeling so strongly as I do, is normal. It is a gift that deserves to be explored and expressed.
I don't want to be happy. I want to explore this vast range of feelings. I want to understand them and discover where they come from. I want to let them be. They deserve some space and freedom of expression. I am not my feelings. I am not my thoughts. However, they still deserve to be look at in order to learn and grow as a person but also as a psychotherapist. Psychotherapy is also about feeling identification, exploration and understanding. Why avoiding them then? Feelings are little doors to be opened when ready in order to see clearer.
It seems easier to welcome joy, excitement, pleasure, love and amusement into our lives. What about fear, regret, panic, disappointment? What about grief, suffering and depression? Let them be for a little while. Let them shine. Let them teach you. Let them guide you towards growth and self-development. Sit down with them. Talk to them. Let them work with you in the healing processes. Ask them.
How can you guide me?
What do I have to learn from you … (grief)?
How are you useful for me right now?
How is my soul feeling?
You will not regret it. Believe me.
Take a moment to contemplate the emotions and feelings wheel. How are you feeling right now? How does it feel to feel this way?
I will finish this article by a quote which guides me often at the moment. When I’m crying, when the world seems to collapse, when I feel lonely and powerless. When my heart is full of sorrows, I remember not to dry off my tears, they are watering something.
I’m sending you pure and genuine love, filled with light and warmth.
Take care of your whole self, each other, and your community.
Nurture and be mindful of the natural world around you and within you.
Resources
Cooks-Campbell, A. (2022, April 20). The Emotion Wheel: How to Use it to Get to Know Yourself.
https://www.betterup.com/blog/emotion-wheel
Plutchik, R., & Kellerman, H. (1980). Emotion : theory, research and experience. AcademicPress.
Plutchik, R. (1991). The Emotions. University Press Of America.
R. M. Rilke to F. X. Kappus. (firstly compiled, 1903). Letters to a Young Poet (1929).
R. M. Rilke. Letters to a Young Poet (2012). Dover Publications.
Vanmuijen, A. (2020). The Emotion Wheel. Abby-Vanmuijen.
https://www.avanmuijen.com/watercolor-emotion-wheel
Written 17/03/2024
Published 23/09/2024
